Commitment and Marriage

When Troy and I got married my sister sat me down with a serious face.

“You are getting married?!” She asked me. “You, my big sister who was all about non-committing, telling me to remember that I don’t owe anyone anything and that I am free to love who and as many as you want??

What does marriage even mean to you??”

Good question.

Yes, I never thought that I would get married.

I did not like the word commitment, associating this with restriction of my so cherished freedom. Seeing so many couples compromise and be unhappy I thought that it would be much wiser to upfront say: I will only follow what feels right.

But what does that even mean: “I follow what I feel is right?”

If I get afraid it for sure feels best to run, but is that always ‘right’?

Yes in the case of an angry tiger attacking me, but generally no in the case of love and relationships.

So there was more to the story. Even though I didn’t know it at the time of my ‘non-commitment-phase’, I also was very afraid of intimacy.

Afraid that commitment would mean my partner meeting ALL of me (true!) and that that would lead them to know the awful truth that deep down I’m not a lovable person (not true) and they would be disappointed and leave (not true).

Long story short, a lot of healing work had to be done in order to trust myself and my partner in relationship.

Troy and I both didn’t have an inherent desire for marriage, so when life presented this as the best option to be in relationship we took the opportunity to define commitment.

I got to redefine commitment for myself, and this is what I felt: I am fully in, with all my heart. I show up to the best of my capacity. I will do what I can to grow love. I will stay when it gets hard and trust the intelligence of our relationship.

Not: ‘until death parts us’.

But: ‘Until love/life tells us otherwise.’

This weekend we’re having our 3-year wedding anniversary.

Saying yes and committing again for another year!