Boundaries vs walls

I used to think that I was really good at having boundaries. But what I mostly did was putting up walls.

Hiding behind a wall of ‘independence’, ‘I don’t care’, or a stone cold ‘no’; what I really was saying was: “I won’t let you hurt me”

The cues for my walls to come up are perceived possibilities that someone will hurt me, leave me or dislike me. That someone generally being my partner…

The shift from being open and connected to ‘setting a boundary’ (read; shutting off every connection and guarding my heart) can happen within a micro second, to the great surprise of my partners.

A BOUNDARY ALLOWS FOR CONNECTION AND INTIMACY, A WALL SHUTS OFF ALL CONNECTION.

When partners started to share the impact that my ‘boundaries’ would have on them, I started to learn to stay more open.

I have learned to feel and hold my fear. To communicate and stay in connection.

Walls that used to feel safe, now feel contracting and heavy. Behind a wall I do not feel safe, but merely alone and separate.

Learning to feel and communicate boundaries is a skill, and requires self love and trust in the relationship.

Do you know the difference between a wall and boundary?

How do you notice a boundary in your body? How do you communicate this to your partner?

Sending you love ❤️