The vision of an (open) relationship and the reality of attachment wiring are not always the same

SOME TEACHINGS OF BEING IN AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP…

I don’t think that I have learned more about love, truth, myself, and life than though the process of being in an open relationship.

If being in relationship is my teacher, then being in an open relationship is my guru.

Opening up my relationship has been profoundly challenging, profoundly heart opening and I dare say profoundly healing. I almost feel like I could write a book on all that I’ve learned and am learning in the process (maybe when I’m old and wise I will;-))

One of the big teachings that I want to share with you today, as it has such a big impact on me in the past months:

A VISION OF AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP AND THE REALITY OF ATTACHMENT WIRING ARE VERY OFTEN NOT THE SAME

My vision was something along the lines of having an open relationship in which all partners would feel loved and supported and nourished by the organic growth of intimacy and love. Everyone would feel included and honored and everyone would be able to communicate and listen and all would be well…

And the reality check was: my attachment system kicked in and I got incredibly anxious and angry at the same time. I often was not able to regulate myself and I blamed my partner and everyone involved for the pain that I was feeling and I thought that trying to open our relationship was the stupidest thing that wed ever done.

Not quite aligned.

What we learned is to go slow. MUCH SLOWER that our visionary parts wants.

We learned to honor the parts that are afraid and reactive, rather than dismissing them as ‘not being part of the vision’.

Going slow so that THE SLOWEST PART IN US FEELS HONORED.

Because honestly; going fast can seem fun in the moment, but the recovery time that is needed when the vulnerable parts in us feel hurt by our most beloved is just so long.

A must read for me has been the book ‘Polysecure’ by Jessica Fern. This book has gives words to what I have been trying to articulate for years:

Our nervous systems and bodies developed their attachment strategies for very good reasons and cannot be overcome or bypassed. They can only be taken by the hand in our growth. We have to truly invest in creating secure attachment, with our selves and our partner(s), to really be able to expand in a filed of love and trust.

I’m getting glimpses of what is possible:

- Sending my partner off to a date with his lover with a hug

- Speaking insecurity an feeling heard, rather than shutting off or acting out

- Connecting deeply with my partner’s lover and feeling the love and trust between us grow.

I’m starting to feel the expansion of love in my being. It feels amazing. And I am sure that there will be plenty of moments again in which we will be with triggers and attachment. And that is ok.

Slowly moving on the path of love…

If you’ve read this far (thank you!) I would love to hear from you, wether you are in an (open) relationship or not…:

What does it mean to you to go as slow as the slowest part in you needs?

What parts in you can be honored and loved more?

Big hug,

Marie